For the times when you feel like a failure

The first time I got rejected from medical school, it felt like the world was crashing. I spent quite some time crying in my room, wondering what went wrong and why wasn’t I good enough.

Of course, I did not process the rejections well and took them personally. You can argue that I was a young, narrow-minded, and naïve college student who had not experienced enough failures to learn how to deal with them.

The second time I applied, I made sure to correct the mistakes I made previously, only to find that I was rejected from all but one school, I was devasted. It was a school that I had not seriously considered, in a country I had never lived in, with a tuition cost that is 4 times the amount I would pay in my home country.

The negative feelings came back again. I hid away for weeks, not knowing how to face others. I was jealous of my peers who got into their preferred choices. I felt ashamed that I’ve let my family down. I hated myself for not being better. I regretted not considering the implications of financing medical school seriously. What have I gotten myself into? If I had tried harder, would I have gotten into a “better” school? What did I do wrong?

What ensued was an entire year of apathy and feelings of worthlessness. I felt like a failure because things didn’t work out as I had wanted. Despite having a wonderful GPA, multiple volunteer activities on my CV, extensive research experience under my belt, I still felt like a failure. Even though I got into medical school.

It took a long time to change my negative beliefs and learn how to handle them, but thankfully, time did help mend things. Years later, I can tell you that with time my perspectives have changed. I’ve learned to see that nothing is completely black or white, and there is a good and bad side with everything. Things never will work out 100% as I want them to be, but when certain doors close, others will open.

So why am I telling you all of this? After all, I haven't written anything so far that may be helpful for your experience in medicine.

As naïve as my emotions were, I acknowledge that they were real. In fact, there were many more instances after the events I described above where I felt like a failure. Even these days, those feelings come back from time to time. Therefore, I simply want to take a moment to address them, to anyone, who perhaps may also be feeling the same way.

In medical school, the feeling of inadequacy never stopped. Imposter syndrome happened frequently. Whether it was making sure to do “enough” extracurriculars, worrying about having a competitive STEP score, feeling down because of not honoring a rotation, being anxious at how being a non-US citizen will affect residency applications, feeling guilty for not doing enough for my patients, for not doing enough to impress…not doing this, not doing that.

Yet when something was done right, it was only to be expected. When achievements happened, they were celebrated briefly, then placed aside to make space for working towards the next achievement. Within the medical school environment, it’s even harder to not compare to other people, especially when these people are all wonderful, kind, and smart individuals who have also gotten into medical school. The culture of medicine is one where successes are expected, and failures are less tolerated. It’s easy to forget our accomplishments and how far we’ve become. This may be even more true for international medical students and professionals, who encounter additional challenges, set themselves with additional expectations, and along the way, experience feelings of failure.

Which is why it’s even more important to remember: love yourself.

Learn to love yourself, for your accomplishments AND your failures. Think about your failures as an opportunity to turn a setback into a comeback. Failure is proof that you are learning, maturing, and growing. Enduring failure is a sign of strength, so is overcoming negative feelings and moving on to achieve better things. Behind every success there are many failures, it’s just that people like to talk more about success stories than the latter.

So, when it seems like things just can’t get any worse (but then it does), and when you feel like giving up because you're "not worth it", I urge you to not give up. Yes, you must be tired, fed up, disappointed, angry, upset, and at times, you might even feel like it would be better to not feel, but don’t give up. When you feel like a failure, take a break, recharge. Maybe even ask yourself why you feel that way and what you can do to change. Try challenging your thoughts with yourself and with those around you (because often, what you define as “failure” is considered “success” to another person). When you’re ready, give it another try, with feeling. Do the best you can at that moment, and learn to let go of things that are beyond your control.

I know this may just be another post from another person who is sharing yet another story of overcoming hardships in medicine, and perhaps you are right. The only thing I can do is share my experience with the hope that it will relate to some. However, personally speaking, not writing a post validating such feelings seems to ignore a key aspect of the experience of being in medicine and being international in medicine. For those out there, international or not, who perhaps might be feeling these feelings, I hope this post can be a reminder that you do matter, and you are loved.

Y.

Photo: Sunrise, Mt. Royal, Montreal, Canada, Taken May 13, 2016